Why I’ve disappeared
I haven’t written anything lately because my mood changed from good/stable to depressed. This is the first time I’ve been on this website in a couple of weeks, and I haven’t gone anywhere near my favorite blogs since then. I’ve gone on facebook a few times, and twitter once or twice. I lurk on Tumblr, where I can find lots of silly things to cheer me up. But mostly I watch TV. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, or do anything except watch TV and sleep. I’m doing fine at my job – things are really stressful and busy, but I’m still handling it well – but outside of work I just have no fucks to give.
I’m not saying this to whine about it – this is a fairly normal thing for me. I’ve spent most of the past 10 years in this state. I have some really good coping skills, I know what things may be triggering this, I have a good support group, and I know it may just be that my brain wants to be depressed right now. I know it will go away eventually. I just feel rather apathetic about anything that requires mental energy. I don’t really feel like going climbing, but I make myself go and end up enjoying it.
I’ve had fleeting thoughts of suicide, which sounds a lot worse than it is. It’s fairly common for the thought “you could kill yourself” or some variant thereof to flit through my mind while I’m depressed. I generally just note it and move on. Other times I find myself thinking of how I could kill myself, but it’s from a cold, analytical perspective – “I could do this. Would that work? What’s the probability that it would work?” I have this weird view of suicide where I don’t think it’s a big, horrible thing to think about doing it. That’s probably because I have these mild suicidal thoughts so often. But, as my doctors have told me, there’s a difference between idly thinking about how I could do it and planning it. I’ve been suicidal – really suicidal. Thinking about how I could kill myself wasn’t an intellectual exercise then. It was detailed planning. For some reason, I always have a rough outline of a suicide plan in my head. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’d only kill myself if I thought it was a good idea all day, every day for 30 days, and then only if I had a plan that I was absolutely sure would work, because dealing with the aftereffects of a failed suicide would suck even more than wanting to kill myself that bad. So I always have an answer to the question of “If you had to kill yourself, how would you do it?” And every once in a while I think about another possible plan. But it’s different than actually being suicidal. I imagine this all sounds scary if you’ve never thought about suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to have never thought about killing myself.
So, to sum up, I’m not writing lately because I’m depressed. Despite how much I talked about suicide in this post, I do not want to kill myself. The thought has crossed my mind lately, but I haven’t entertained it, seriously or otherwise. My doctor knows I’ve had these thoughts. You don’t need to freak out or worry – this type of thing is normal for me, and, I suspect other people with depression/bipolar.