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Why I’ve disappeared

I haven’t written anything lately because my mood changed from good/stable to depressed. This is the first time I’ve been on this website in a couple of weeks, and I haven’t gone anywhere near my favorite blogs since then. I’ve gone on facebook a few times, and twitter once or twice. I lurk on Tumblr, where I can find lots of silly things to cheer me up. But mostly I watch TV. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, or do anything except watch TV and sleep. I’m doing fine at my job – things are really stressful and busy, but I’m still handling it well – but outside of work I just have no fucks to give.

I’m not saying this to whine about it – this is a fairly normal thing for me. I’ve spent most of the past 10 years in this state. I have some really good coping skills, I know what things may be triggering this, I have a good support group, and I know it may just be that my brain wants to be depressed right now. I know it will go away eventually. I just feel rather apathetic about anything that requires mental energy. I don’t really feel like going climbing, but I make myself go and end up enjoying it.

I’ve had fleeting thoughts of suicide, which sounds a lot worse than it is. It’s fairly common for the thought “you could kill yourself” or some variant thereof to flit through my mind while I’m depressed. I generally just note it and move on. Other times I find myself thinking of how I could kill myself, but it’s from a cold, analytical perspective – “I could do this. Would that work? What’s the probability that it would work?” I have this weird view of suicide where I don’t think it’s a big, horrible thing to think about doing it. That’s probably because I have these mild suicidal thoughts so often. But, as my doctors have told me, there’s a difference between idly thinking about how I could do it and planning it. I’ve been suicidal – really suicidal. Thinking about how I could kill myself wasn’t an intellectual exercise then. It was detailed planning. For some reason, I always have a rough outline of a suicide plan in my head. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’d only kill myself if I thought it was a good idea all day, every day for 30 days, and then only if I had a plan that I was absolutely sure would work, because dealing with the aftereffects of a failed suicide would suck even more than wanting to kill myself that bad. So I always have an answer to the question of “If you had to kill yourself, how would you do it?” And every once in a while I think about another possible plan. But it’s different than actually being suicidal. I imagine this all sounds scary if you’ve never thought about suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to have never thought about killing myself.

So, to sum up, I’m not writing lately because I’m depressed. Despite how much I talked about suicide in this post, I do not want to kill myself. The thought has crossed my mind lately, but I haven’t entertained it, seriously or otherwise. My doctor knows I’ve had these thoughts. You don’t need to freak out or worry – this type of thing is normal for me, and, I suspect other people with depression/bipolar.

The world is ending. Again.

Guess when Jesus is coming back? Ronald Weinland says May 27, 2012. But for realz this time. Srsly.

Ronald Weinland, who considers himself a prophet of God, continues to warn that Jesus Christ is returning on May 27, 2012.

For those who do not believe him and mock his message, Weinland claims thatthey will die from cancer.

Well, that’s specific. At least he didn’t say that we’re going to get┬ácancer, because everyone gets cancer in their life at some point, and then “their body says, ‘Get out little tumor, get out! I will KEEL YOU! Your telomeres failed you!” (Direct quote from my roommate while we were discussing this article.)

Welp, I guess I’m just begging for cancer. Uh oh. On the upshot, party on May 28th!