Why I’ve disappeared

I haven’t written anything lately because my mood changed from good/stable to depressed. This is the first time I’ve been on this website in a couple of weeks, and I haven’t gone anywhere near my favorite blogs since then. I’ve gone on facebook a few times, and twitter once or twice. I lurk on Tumblr, where I can find lots of silly things to cheer me up. But mostly I watch TV. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, or do anything except watch TV and sleep. I’m doing fine at my job – things are really stressful and busy, but I’m still handling it well – but outside of work I just have no fucks to give.

I’m not saying this to whine about it – this is a fairly normal thing for me. I’ve spent most of the past 10 years in this state. I have some really good coping skills, I know what things may be triggering this, I have a good support group, and I know it may just be that my brain wants to be depressed right now. I know it will go away eventually. I just feel rather apathetic about anything that requires mental energy. I don’t really feel like going climbing, but I make myself go and end up enjoying it.

I’ve had fleeting thoughts of suicide, which sounds a lot worse than it is. It’s fairly common for the thought “you could kill yourself” or some variant thereof to flit through my mind while I’m depressed. I generally just note it and move on. Other times I find myself thinking of how I could kill myself, but it’s from a cold, analytical perspective – “I could do this. Would that work? What’s the probability that it would work?” I have this weird view of suicide where I don’t think it’s a big, horrible thing to think about doing it. That’s probably because I have these mild suicidal thoughts so often. But, as my doctors have told me, there’s a difference between idly thinking about how I could do it and planning it. I’ve been suicidal – really suicidal. Thinking about how I could kill myself wasn’t an intellectual exercise then. It was detailed planning. For some reason, I always have a rough outline of a suicide plan in my head. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’d only kill myself if I thought it was a good idea all day, every day for 30 days, and then only if I had a plan that I was absolutely sure would work, because dealing with the aftereffects of a failed suicide would suck even more than wanting to kill myself that bad. So I always have an answer to the question of “If you had to kill yourself, how would you do it?” And every once in a while I think about another possible plan. But it’s different than actually being suicidal. I imagine this all sounds scary if you’ve never thought about suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to have never thought about killing myself.

So, to sum up, I’m not writing lately because I’m depressed. Despite how much I talked about suicide in this post, I do not want to kill myself. The thought has crossed my mind lately, but I haven’t entertained it, seriously or otherwise. My doctor knows I’ve had these thoughts. You don’t need to freak out or worry – this type of thing is normal for me, and, I suspect other people with depression/bipolar.

Why I won’t watch How I Met Your Mother anymore

How I Met Your Mother is a brilliant show. It’s well-written, the acting’s great, and the comedy is exactly my kind of humor. Except for one teensy problem: Barney is a rapist.

Much is made of Barney’s “conquests.” His friends are always mildly disgusted, but never so much that they aren’t friends with him. The entire attitude is “Haha, silly Barney, getting a girl drunk so you can have sex with her is frowned upon. Oh well, boys will be boys!” It’s the exact bullshit that keeps rape culture alive and well. And I won’t watch a show that pushes that rape apologia.

“But it’s not rape!” you say. Bullshit. I’ve gone into this before, and I’m not going to write it again,  because frankly, that post says it well enough. If you read it and you still think I’m completely wrong, congrats. You contribute to a world where rape is normal, where people are blamed for the crimes committed against them, where a football player who organized dog fights draws more ire from the public than a football player who rapes someone. You contribute to a world where 1 in 5 women are raped. You make that possible. And you make me sick.

Please direct your attention to the link provided below

Hey, whatcha up to? Reading my blog? Sweet. But I have a better idea: Go read this OMFSMHOLYSHITAMAZING article on the GOP candidates’ mysterious racism issues. I want to marry it and have its babies.


Also, check out the Ron Paulites in the comments. Y u no like the truth, RPites?

Laws: Strangely, Not Optional

There seems to be a strange misconception going around that the majority only needs to obey laws designed to protect minorities if it’s convenient for said majority. It happens on the grand scale with a huge shitstorm, like when Cranston West High School recently had its ass handed to it on a legal platter over an illegal prayer banner, and it happens in smaller scales without much noise, like when Portland Lindy Society and Stumptown Dance consistently refuse to enforce a flash-photography ban designed to keep epileptic dancers safe. The common denominator between the two is a majority ignoring the law at the expense of the minority.

Being in the majority comes with a shit-ton of privilege, whether it be Christian privilege or able-bodied privilege or whatever else. The majority is used to having a world that accommodates them, while the minority lives in a world where they are constantly reminded of how they don’t fit in. The minority gets used to having to give ground, and they often try to pass as much as possible to avoid trouble. The majority doesn’t even think about that stuff. The majority isn’t even aware that stuff exists. The majority has the privilege of ignorance – the privilege of not knowing how it feels to be treated as inferior.

So that’s why we have things like the ADA and separation of church and state. If unchecked, the majority will trample the minority – often without even realizing that they’re doing it. The majority will probably agree that it’s good to have laws that protect the minority (unless they’re for Ron Paul…). What they don’t seem to like, though, is having to change their behavior because of those laws. When someone points out the law and tells the majority to obey it, the majority howls about how their freedoms are being infringed. They whine that following the law would bankrupt their business. They demand that the minority ask more nicely, but when the minority does ask nicely, their requests are ignored.

But the fact is that laws are not optional. There is no inconvenience clause, no tradition clause. No amount of ignorant, self-righteous whining will make discrimination legal. But damn if the majority won’t try.


To the people who take care of me when I’m crazy

There’s a post over on WWJTD written by one of JT’s friends which describes what it’s like to care for a mentally ill person. I always knew it was hard for the people who support us mentally ill, but this gives a much better picture. After reading the post, I started writing a comment about how my friends and family have helped me, but it became giant, and it was something I wanted on the record, if you will, here.

A few years I was so depressed that I physically couldn’t eat, I had made extensive suicide plans, and my ex-boyfriend realized what was going on and drove me to the ER where I got held for a few hours. He sat with me, even when I was talking to the therapist about why I wanted to kill myself – even when I told the therapist that part of it was because my ex and I had broken up. And my ex kept looking out for me until he graduated and moved away.

My parents made me come home that summer, but kept paying rent on my apartment so I wouldn’t have to move. One day my best friend and I had lunch plans, but I slept through my alarm, so I woke up to the sound of her ringing the doorbell. When I didn’t show up for lunch or answer my phone, she had thought that I had killed myself. I’ve never seen her that scared – and I’ve known her for half my life.  She was so relieved to see me, but also angry, and made me swear I would never do that again. That was the moment when I decided that, as long as I had people who loved me in the world, I would never kill myself.

When I was in a mixed mood, verbally abusing people for sport, and I wasn’t doing everything I could to get it treated, my best friend helped me realize how serious my bipolar was by telling me she loved me, but she couldn’t be around me when I was so vicious. It wasn’t abandonment, it was a reality bomb. If I was so vicious that my best friend, who was like a sister, who I had grown up with, was telling me that she needed space between us, it was serious. When I started treatment, I emailed her, and she was so excited to have me in her life again. She had missed me just as much as I had missed her. I’m incredibly grateful that she had the courage to stand up to me like that.

My roommate diagnosed me bipolar and told me to talk to my shrink about it, which I am convinced saved my life. She listened, stayed out of the way when necessary, found me a job, and covered me on my rent. Since she’s a supra-genius who has written about pharmacology for money, she figured out what meds I should take, which probably shaved a year off the process of getting me stable with the lowest side effect profile.

My parents supported me no matter how depressed or manic or vicious I was. They paid for my incredibly expensive outpatient treatment, took me to the ER, and would come get me at a moment’s notice if I got too agitated. They had me over for dinner every week, making sure I felt loved and that I wasn’t isolated in the time where I had pushed away almost all of my friends.

I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for my friends and my family for taking care of me. Thank you. I love you guys so much..

“Why is atheist activism ok if religious evangelism isn’t?”

My best friend, who’s a Christian in the loosest, most progressive sense of the term, asked me that question last night. I didn’t have an answer, and it really threw me. Was the movement I’ve come to care so much about doing the same thing as the evangelicals I can’t stand?
After a lot of thought, I came to a conclusion: No, it’s not. Atheist activism is propelled (or should be propelled) by the desire to better the world. Just as the feminists, gay rights, and neurodiversity movements want equality for all, so do we. We see a culture that rejects and suppresses the rights of minorities, that rejects and suppresses science, and we want to change it. We want to changes the attitudes that create this culture of suppression and inequality, and in order to change those attitudes, we need to change the beliefs that support them.
If all religious people were like my friend – if they accepted and supported science, believed that women should have a right to decide what happens to their bodies, that marriage should be between whoever wants to get married, that church and state should be kept separate – in short, if they truly supported good science and equality for all – then I would have no issue with religion. If all religious people shifted over to the type of religiousity as my friend, I’d call it good enough and be done with it.
But the fact is that many religious people don’t believe those things, and those people are, by far, the most vocal of the religious. The progressive believers should stand up to them and tell them that religion isn’t an acceptable reason to deny people rights, but they aren’t. And since they won’t, atheists have to.
We want equal rights for all. We want people to be taught fact, not fiction, and be able to make informed choices. And if religion is the reason people give for not wanting the same, religion needs to go. If we loosed people from the bonds of religion, the majority of them would probably come to the conclusion that equality and information for all is a good thing. Sure, we’d still get some anti-science bigots, but they wouldn’t have the special exemption from criticism that religion affords, and we’d be able to improve the world. And that’s what I’m fighting for: a world where there will be no acceptable excuses to deny people their rights.

The world is ending. Again.

Guess when Jesus is coming back? Ronald Weinland says May 27, 2012. But for realz this time. Srsly.

Ronald Weinland, who considers himself a prophet of God, continues to warn that Jesus Christ is returning on May 27, 2012.

For those who do not believe him and mock his message, Weinland claims thatthey will die from cancer.

Well, that’s specific. At least he didn’t say that we’re going to get cancer, because everyone gets cancer in their life at some point, and then “their body says, ‘Get out little tumor, get out! I will KEEL YOU! Your telomeres failed you!” (Direct quote from my roommate while we were discussing this article.)

Welp, I guess I’m just begging for cancer. Uh oh. On the upshot, party on May 28th!


Flashing lights trigger seizures, so don’t use them

Quick PSA post: Flashing lights trigger seizures. This means the strobes people put on bikes, the flashing hazard lights used for almost anything, well, hazardous, the flashing lights on emergency vehicles (which is pretty counterproductive), and the flashing lights that go along with some smoke alarms (also counterproductive). People having seizures matters. Seizures suck. The period after a seizure (the post-ictal period) is described to me as “a really bad hangover.” K has a great stream-of-consciousness post-ictal blog post so you can get an idea of what it’s like. Besides the obvious danger during the actual seizure (hitting your head if it’s a tonic-clonic, crashing if you’re operating a car or bike, falling, etc.) there’s the danger that comes from not knowing what’s going on, where you are, and where your home is, and how to get there for hours after your seizure. K once sat down on the light rail tracks and refused to move after a seizure. Luckily she had a friend there that’s really good at speaking K-ish when she’s had a seizure, and she eventually moved. But people with epilepsy don’t have friends around all the time that can look after them (because they shouldn’t need keepers to have a life). Having a seizure in public is a very dangerous thing, and flashing lights are pretty successful in making that happen.

So what can you do? At the very least, set your bike light to a steady beam. The brain tracks that better than a strobe anyway. If someone asks you to stop doing something because it might cause them to have a seizure, listen to them. If you want, write Letters to police and fire departments asking them why they use seizure-triggering lights while they are trying to alert people to danger. (There are other options available, even if it’s just a different frequency of flashing.) And tell other people. The world should be safe for everyone, not just neurotypical people.

Legal vs Ethical

There’s been a lot of talk in the atheist community lately about what is acceptable behavior, especially when it comes to speech. There are a lot of arguments that people have used to justify themselves, but a particularly annoying one is the free speech argument: “Free speech! I can say whatever I want, because it’s legal!”

Well, yes, you can say most anything without consequences from the government. But that’s setting the bar for behavior pretty damn low.  Is that really all you want your behavior to be? Legal? What about, you know, ethical? Legality is the minimum standard of behavior. We shouldn’t be striving to behave legally; we should be striving to behave ethically, and most of the time, that means exceeding the legal standards.

Atheist get a lot of shit about how we’re amoral. And we know it’s shit. But when we start saying that we can act however we want, as long as it’s legal, we’re failing our own movement. We need to do better than that. We need to actually think about whether an action is ethical – how much harm it will do to others, and how much benefit. Before we speak, we need to think if we’re treating the other person like an actual human being. We need to think about our individual privilege, whatever it may be, and make sure we’re not abusing it. We need to ask ourselves if we are being bigots, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally.

It’s unacceptable to excuse things like Redditgate or anything said on #mencallmethings or calling things “retarded” or any variant thereof, simply because they’re legal. Be better than that. Recognize that it’s not ethical, and it’s intellectually dishonest. It’s treating others like objects or lesser humans. If you hate something, if you hate someone, go on the attack without relying on bigotry. You can say critical things to someone without being unethical. Hell, you can verbally eviscerate someone without being unethical. Just treat them like an equal human being while you do it.  Because we are better than that.

So act like it.

Best. PSA. Ever.

Everyone, stop and take a moment to look at this fucking awesome PSA I got from K’s facebook:

This is like 6 kinds of awesome. Rape prevention is mostly aimed at women, and the majority is stuff like “Carry a rape whistle!” and “Don’t leave your drink alone!” and “Don’t wear your hair in a ponytail when you run, because then the rapist will grab it!” (I shit you not, a state police trooper told that to all of us wide-eyed freshman on the first night of college.) The list of ways women can prevent rape becomes a checklist of what a woman who was raped should have done. If you miss one item on the list, we’re off to the victim-blaming races. The fact is, the simplest way to prevent rape is, well, to not rape. But many people think having sex in the four situations above is just fine. (Thus the need for the PSA.)

The crux of it all is consent. So many people think that consent is the absence of no. But it’s not. Consent is not “oh, ok, I guess so.” Consent is not “Well, I guess I owe you.” Consent is not “I’m really drunk, so sure!” Consent should be enthusiastic, and consent should be sober.

I know that last part is contentious, so I yoinked a comment I posted on WWJTD so I wouldn’t have to be eloquent and persuasive twice.  Read the rest of this entry